The Oldest Memes
by BannaMan
Summary: What are the oldest memes *inception bong* My first fan fiction shall explain the orgins of most memes, Halo style. Chapter 4 is now up, ready and waiting, for your eyes to eat it. And trust me, it's a good one *does Mr. Bean face* Enjoy it you models! On hold till I can get myself together.
1. Chapter 1: Cats

**Authors Note- First HALO Fan fiction so enjoy**

**The plot is the answering the best question ever. What is the oldest meme (Neither AU or canon)**

"Johnson, watch that door, if anything moves, shoot it." A feminine voice says from one of the armored figures. "Yes commander." Replies the male. The two Spartan III's get in position covering their entrance. At that moment a 7 foot beast of a human walks in, an Assault Rifle at the ready. He wore all green titanium armor and had a reflective orange visor making him look like an emotionless killing machine. If you haven't guessed it yet, this man is the legendary Master Chief (or John). "Jesus Chief, give us warning before you come waltzing in. How did you even finish your security sweep so fast." John doesn't reply. He does't lowers his defense and gets ready in the case that they get ambushed. "Chief plug me into that terminal so I can open this second door." A female voice says over John's suit's speakers. "Knock yourself out." He replies has he walks over to the terminal, pulls out the AI chip from his head, and plugs it in.

**Cortana's POV**

Has John plugged her in, she felt that familiar feeling of moving through cords into the Forrunner information hub. "Hmm, weird." she thought has it seemed that she had entered into a private terminal. The first thing Cortana notices is a file dubbed in forrunner letters which roughly translated into "Mr. Wiskers." strange she thought. Cortana decided to open up the file to be greated by what seem to be a video and audio file and played them both. She's met with what seems to be a robotic cat like animal playing a forrunner instrument with keys while some kind of happy music along with it. Of course she being an AI, went through all the data really fast but she wanted to see where this was going. "What are you looking at?" John asks her while peering over her "shoulder". "Nothing." Cortana says has she quickly closes the file, "There, I got the door open." Cortana says has the door opens with a satisfying swoosh. "I'm not even going to ask." John says has he pulls Cortana from the terminal and walks towards the door shaking his head. Cortana mentally face palms herself and makes a mental note to herself to stay away from cat videos.

**So what do you guys think, all comments accepted. This was just a short 1 shot that I wanted do. I tried my best not to use southern slang but if I did, sorry. I really hate this tablet when it comes to typing. This would ne a good story if i could type**


	2. Chapter 2: Trolling

**Author's Note: Hello gorgeous people and welcome to the next chapter of **_**The Oldest Memes, **_**with an s! I really liked the idea so so I thought I might make more so enjoy. I spent a little more time on this one so there should be less spelling mistakes. Goodbye you beautiful person **

**-BannaMan117**

Haree 'Vadmee **(Hair-e Vad-em-ee) **was a very honorable elite, he had just reached the rank of Ultra in the Covenant. The San 'Shyuum had already declared humans has a filthy race and that all humans should be exterminated. He, like other Sangheili, followed their orders blindly. But is one fateful day that the honorable Sangheili created and found the most iconic image and song ever...The Troll Face and trololo song.

_**Location: Unknown human outer colony**_

_**Time: November 7 2529**_

The sound of a Plasma Rifle echos in the room. He had just cleared the building of filthy humans and was about to leave when a sound caught his attention. It sounded like someone talking. Haree decided to investigate the interesting _sound_. He upholstered his Plasma Rifle and slowly crept his way to the door sound was coming from. The sound could be heard more clearly, it sounded like "Trolololol la lolol, trolololola," The sangheili became very curious to what the noise was. He nudged the door a little bit and caught a glimpse of what looked to be a screen. He tip toed further, trying not to scare away possible prey. Haree then suddenly slams the door open all the way, his Rifle at the ready. He slowly lowers his weapon, realizing that no one is here but him and a flat metal object producing sounds and light. Haree hesitantly walks forward, the sound becoming clear "Ha ha ha ha ha, hol hol hol hol, oh AWWWWW trololol!" He bends slightly over to get a glimpse at the moving images. A human male in a suit with a big grin kept making sounds like trololol and doe da da doe da da. He was just walking around making those sounds. Haree had heard human language before but never this. "All forces move up on the city center and remove this parasite from this planet."Haree heard the ship master orders and decided not to dwell on this. He shoots the metal screen and walks away ready for any humans.

_**Later that day at night**_

The battle was swift and easy, covenant forces destroyed the remaining resistance and cleansed the planet. But Haree still wondered about that strange human on that screen. He sat at his desk aboard the Covenant Cruiser _Unhealing Noscopes _and pondered everything. Haree decided to sketch down what he remembered the human looked like on his terminal. It was hard work, considering that sangheili hands weren't has well suited as humans but after about an hour he had a basic sketch. The drawing looked ridiculous, the human had an unreasonable large mouth, had no ears and was white, but it was the best Haree could do from memory. He was amused by his handy work and decided to send the picture to his mate on Sanghelios. While the image was being sent, a human satellite intercepted the signal and the humans who received the the doodle were quite shocked to see such such a crude drawing of themselves. A crude drawing of course, a crude drawing indead...

**Thanks for sticking around for this friends! I have decided to make this a series of short stories on how Memes were created, in the Halo universe. This wasn't really canon but oh well. Please review this story and even leave ideas for the meme I should do. I don't really have a planned schedule for this but I will update as often as possible. Bye! **


	3. Chapter 3: Thanks! (Authors note)

**Author's Note: Heyo you drop dead gorgeous people. I have some great news, my first story has reached 100 views *confetti goes off* Yay! I know that isn't really much but it's a start! Now you handsome and or pretty people go on and celebrate! I should probably stop flirting with you guys but, it helps support the fact that this is MEANT to be a comedy story. I plan to have a new chapter up in ****1 to 3 days for the occasion. Bye you beautiful people!**

**Update: hey guys, it has been about 2 days after I uploaded the last chapter and I am working on the next one, but I am having trouble with inspiration... It is going to be the 200 view special. I want it to be good but I can't right good if I don't have the drive. I will bring you the next chapter, when I'm done with it, has soon has possible. Bye**


	4. Chapter 4: Me Gusta

**Author's Note: Hello you very handsome(or beautiful) people and welcome to the next chapter of... **_**THE OLDEST MEMES**_**! MEMEs, MEMes, MEmes, Memes, memes... Anyway, I have decided to write the next chapter, I also hid an Easter egg from an earlier chapter (it's pretty obvious). I'm sorry if it isn't has good because I was having trouble getting inspiration but I must do the next one. I can't believe that we've already reached 300 views (roughly 285 actually). I would like to thank hartolluver42 for being my first reviewer. He (or she) has requested I do the Me Gusta meme next so I will. Enjoy the chapter.**

**-BannaMan117**

Famip (fam-ip) is a grunt minor who was put into a squad led by the famous sangheili ultra, Haree 'Vadmee. The fleet of _Unquenching Thirst was _currently on a victory streak, wrecking havoc to any human world's they came across. Aboard the flagship, _Mountane Dewl, _our (not so) brave protagonist prepares himself for battle but little did he know something that would change the early days of the interwebs forever would occur...

**Location : In Orbit Over Unknown Planet**

**Time: April 30th 2531 (Human Time)**

"Can you check my methane release valve?" Famip asked his fellow Unggoy comrade in his sneaky voice. "Sure!" The other grunt replied gleefully, motioning for him to turn around. He could feel his heavy gas tank slightly slide across his back has the Unggoy check his methane release valves. "You're all set! He heard a few minute later from his quirky friend and he replied with a thank you and I polite nod. He and the other Unggoy minors continued gearing up, arming themselves with plasma grenades, plasma pistols, and the occasional needler. The sound of multiple footsteps could be heard on the purple metal outside the door, he and his fellow comrades turned towards the door, only to be started by a whoosh sound and the door sliding open. At its entrance stood a massive, 7' 6" (roughly 2 and half meter) Sangheili suited in white Ultra armor with 2 guards on his right and left. After realization punched all the Unggoy In the gut, they all gave a proper Covenant salute. "At ease," boomed the buff leader has he slowly walked forward, preparing a speech for his troops, "If you are not familiar with who will be leading you into the field of battle, I am Haree 'Vadmee, An Ultra of the Covenant and close companion to Ship Master Ratts' Arsedee (Arse-dee). We will be dropping down into one of the largest groupings (closest Sangheilian equivalent for the words large city) of the filth known has humans, your greatest enemy. Though they may lack..." Has the great leader droned on, Famip lost interest and started wandering his thoughts. "Mmm...Humans, I've never met one, I wonder what they're like?" "...will you follow me into battle willing to sacrifice life and limb for your brothers, are you willing TO DIE FOR THE COVENANT AND OUR BELIEFS!" The Sangheili Ultra roared. "YEAH!" The Unggoy yelled raising their weapons high in the air. "Good...Be ready in 5 minutes and meet the rest of the squad at the Phantoms." All the Unggoy were pumped and ready for a fierce fight, but is our protagonist, Famip, be ready for what's to come?...

**Location : Surface Of Unknown Planet**

**Time: April 30th 2531, Later That Day **

The squad of Unggoy, Sangheili, and Ruutian (Jackals) had finally regrouped and were marching to the human city. The area surround it was hot, humid, and swarming with some kind of insect that would bite you. "How can humans live in such a horrible place." His Unggoy comrade complained as they marched. Famip replied "Maybe they can only grow a type of food here." "Yeah, but..." "Silence." The Unggoy was cut off by Haree with a stern whisper. Famip started to fidget, he didn't like this one bit, the Ultra had stopped the whole party of Covenant. Off in the distance, whispers could be heard, HUMAN whispers. The Ultra squatted, signaling everyone else to do so. "Are we there yet." A high pitched voice said, possibly a child. "No, we're almost to back to the farm, just wait." A older, masculine voice replied. "Fine..." The higher pitched voice said In turn. Famip didn't understand any of it but it was clear they meant no harm. After the humans passed, Haree stood up and continued their march to the waiting point.

**Time: Later that day**

**Location: Waiting point**

The squad had reached the rendezvous point and were waiting for the fleet to start the attack. Famip sat down, his methane tank was against a tree. A whoosh went through the trees, swaying them, has enormous covenant ships appeared. Sleek and purple, they can can be described as looking like human "sharks". "That's our cue." Haree said has he picked himself up and started forming his squad into position. Once we were in formation, the Ultra continued the march, the looming, human city getting ever closer.

**Time: Morning the next day**

**Location: Human city**

The human city was easily overtaken, but once the humans were aware of our presences, they had sent every available forces in nearby star system to the planet. By early morning a humongous human fleet was in orbit, battling the Covenant fleet. The few ships over the city were dealing with mobile ground MAC guns. Famip looked around, the entire residential area was covered in scorch marks, signs of of a recent battle. He was one of the lucky Unggoy to survive the encounter and was already shaking with fear. To top it all off, there were rumors spreading about inhuman monsters, clad In green armor, who easily killed hundreds of squads. Soldiers were calling them _Demons. _Haree got up and said "Okay, everyone get up, we have orders to move up on the city center and destroy remaining human resistance. " Famip grunted as he pulled himself up, grunting. He started the trek onwards to their set destination.

**Later**

Famip had his weapon at the ready, he had a bad feeling about this. The squad had met little military resistance and some civilians. Has he walked, his Unggoy friend started to speak "Why can't-" Has Famip looked his way, he was cut off by a bang and a splatter has a sniper round tore through his friend's skull, killing him. Before Famip could react, another round went off, killing one of the surviving Sangheili. Famip let out out a scream has a green figure jumped out with inhumanly speed and killed a Ruutian and 2 Unggoy. Famip, in an attempt to run, turned around and started to sprint but the green figure fired at him, hitting the back of his leg, and he collapsed. Famip acted dead so the figure didn't come to finish him off. Thankfully he was distracted by a Haree. The Ultra fired at the _Demon's _head landing a plasma round on the helmet. The figure tore off the burning helmet and Famip saw the "human's" face. His skin was very pale and he was bald. The human slowly rose again to face the Sangheili. His eyes were crossed, his mouth was a straight line, and he had wrinkles on his forehead. The _Demon, _in one move, ran forward and, pulled out the ultra's foot from under him, pulled out a knife, and dug it Into Haree's skull, breaking his shield with his momentum. Famip gasped, the great Ultra... had been killed. The human, no _Demon,_ heard him and looked at him, his cold, hard, crossed eye, gaze stared at him. He took a step forward and pulled out his pistol, he pointed it at Famip's head and before he fired, sang the words, "Me Gusta!"... BANG!

**How did you handsome/pretty people enjoy this chapter. Sorry I hadn't updated in a LONG time. I had school and test ect. But I forced myself to finish it. This chapter is much, MUCH longer and I apologize for any mistakes I missed. Enjoy this chapter and please fav, review and **_**give give me your souls**_**! See ya, your models. :)**


	5. Chapter 5: Shrek

**Authors Note: Halo comrades, and welcome to **_**THE OLDEST OF THE INTERNET MEMES! **_**or just **_**The Oldest Memes.**_ **This is chapter 4 of the best stories you'll ever read. *slicks back hair* So, how you doing, did you fall from heaven cause you're an angel. *BOO* sorry, I'll stop. Hey, guess what, we have reached 452 views, almost 500! This story will be about the origins of the **_**Shrek**_ **meme. Oh god... here goes nothing... *dives into a pile of words***

**Location : Yet again another unknown world**

**Time: 2534**

Clon **(rhymes with john)** is a Ruutian minor who had recently been separated from his squad. His squad had been sent to to attack a key UNSC position in the swamps. After a failed first wave, his squad had been scattered into the surrounding swamps. Clon is shuffling through the ankle high water in hopes of finding other troops and hopefully getting back to the _Illuminatian Justice_. Unknown to him, he was about to encounter the end of his life...

**Location : Yet again another unknown world**

**Time: 2534**

"Why do humans live in such troubling places." Clon mumbled to himself. He continued his shuffle, not exactly knowing where he was going, just away from the enemy. Clon fell, his beak digging into the mud. "Mmhh! Uh..." after some wiggling, he loosened his beak and pulled it out. Clon took another step forward and his foot fell into the hole his beak made causing him to stumble and start rolling down the hill. He landed into a valley, all around were tall trees and vines. He pulled himself up, and started walking again. After the fall, he had lost which way was forward. He chose to go just get up and go. He all of sudden felt a warmth and then "WHAT ARE YE DOIN IN MY SWAMP!" A mysterious, loud voice boomed. "What?" Clon mumbled to himself. "I SAID WHAT ARE YE DOIN IN MY SWAMP!" Clon turned around, only to see nothing. He face forward again and before him stood a huge, green humanoid creature. The beast had some weird ear antenna sticking from the side of his head. Startled, Clon reached for his Plasma pistol at his side, but the huge beast took two large bounds forward and was in front him in a flash. The beast punched Clon's hand away, twisted him around, and threw him on the ground. Before Clon could get up, the beast was on top of him holding him down. "Who-are you!?" Clon gasped out. "Shrek." The beast replied. "What do-you want." Clon groaned out in pain. Shrek bent down to the side of Clon's head and whispered "it's all ogre now..."

The sounds of a Ruutian screamed echoed through the swamp, disturbing the birds.

**Epilogue**

The body of a Ruutian was later found floating in the muggy waters near a UNSC ODST. "What happened here." The ODST bent over to inspect the body. Something he especially noticed was that the rear end of the Ruutian had been torn to pieces. The ODST also noticed that the corpse stunk of onions. "I don't want to meet what did this." The ODST mumbled to himself. He continued his trek towards the rally point, making sure to watch his back.

**That was chapter 4 of **_**The Oldest Memes.**_ **I know this was shorter than my previous chapter but hey, at least you got something. I got this idea while relaxing and thought I had to write it down or I would lose the drive to write the next chapter. I can't believe it, 3 reviews, 2 follows and favorites, and 452 views. Thank you a lot you models, you deserve a cookie *gives imaginary cookie* keep looking sexy! Bye!**


End file.
